5 Ways to Cope When Faced With Sudden Caregiving

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“There are only four kinds of people in the world—those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” ~Rosalynn Carter, Former First Lady of the United States

The call reminded me of an old TV commercial for a medical alert device. Only this was real.

“Mom fell down and broke her hip,” my sister said. “She’s in the hospital waiting for surgery. I’m freaking out about Dad. He shouldn’t be living alone!”

Wait. What?

What’s up with Dad?

After more conversation, and once the initial shock subsided, I …

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“There are only four kinds of people in the world—those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.” ~Rosalynn Carter, Former First Lady of the United States

The call reminded me of an old TV commercial for a medical alert device. Only this was real.

“Mom fell down and broke her hip,” my sister said. “She’s in the hospital waiting for surgery. I’m freaking out about Dad. He shouldn’t be living alone!”

Wait. What?

What’s up with Dad?

After more conversation, and once the initial shock subsided, I had to face the truth. The thing that no one ever wants to talk about had finally happened.

Our parents, who had until then been independent and self-sufficient, needed help. I would have to put my life on hold and travel the 2,800 miles to their home.

Fortunately, one of my brothers only lives about four hours away and was able to get there the next day.

During our frequent phone conversations, Mom and Dad downplayed their day-to-day challenges. When I asked how they were doing, they made light of things and insisted they didn’t need help.

So, when I arrived, I was blindsided by the decline in Dad’s cognitive function.

Also, Mom developed a frightening post-operative delirium that lingered for two weeks. As a result, she remained hospitalized for an entire month.

At the same time, Dad announced that he had decided he should give up driving. He also asked us to help them find and move into an assisted living apartment as soon as possible.

That’s how I ended up staying with them for six weeks.

For the first month, my brother rearranged his life so he could spend three and a half days with us every week. I was so grateful for that. And together, we accomplished a lot for our parents in a relatively short time.

But it wasn’t easy.

In many ways, the experience reminded me of the demands of parenting. Selflessness, on-the-spot problem-solving, patience, and resilience—all constant requirements.

As in parenting, there’s no instruction manual for when your parents need care. You’re just making everything up at the worst possible time: when you are overwhelmed, and somebody else’s life depends on you.

So, I put these five coping ideas before you, not as an expert, but as an uninitiated caregiver. One who took on the care of her parents because they suddenly needed her to.

Accept What Is

Accepting what is puts you in a state of inner non-resistance. Of course, you can still want to improve things. But you have a calmer attitude, and any action you take to help the situation is more effective.

It was hard to witness the changes in my parents. Their confusion and grief over losing much of their independence were heartbreaking. But, to avoid being overtaken by my emotions, I kept reminding myself, “This is how it is now; what would Love do?”

One powerful example of this happened years ago when my husband was first having chemotherapy treatments for his chronic leukemia. One day, he was lying in bed after coming home from an infusion, freezing cold and shivering.

I felt anxious as I kept piling extra blankets on him, but his teeth kept chattering. I remember thinking, “Why isn’t this working? He should be warm by now! What is happening?” Instead of being fully present, I got caught up in my fearful, resisting thoughts.

When I finally remembered to ask, “What would Love do?” I got in bed and wrapped myself around him. No “thinking” was involved; it felt like something other than my mind took over at that moment.

As soon as I did it, I became present enough to realize that my poor husband wasn’t just cold but also afraid. And, of course